Gossiping, Oversharing and How To Stop
In the past I have been someone who has had very strong opinions of things and wasn’t always shy about sharing my thoughts and opinions in rooms where I maybe shouldn’t have. At times this is ok, but when it comes to sharing thoughts about other people, this is where one needs to be careful.
I have had a lot of deep hurts from people close to me but instead of always talking with them about it, I sometimes spoke to others. This not only can be damaging to their reputation, but to mine too.
Two pieces of advice that are quite popular are: 1. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all and 2. what someone is comfortable sharing with you about someone else, is how comfortable they are speaking about you to someone else, so don’t be surprised!
Well, the seeds I had sown months and years prior (unintentionally) returned to me in harvest along with ingredients that I never added.
Of course I was hurt, but I’m also grateful to have learned that lesson.
I used to really let the people I cared about affect me to the point where I would focus on the hurt more than their good, forgetting that they’re just a flawed person, which I of course had forgotten about myself also.
We are all on a journey of refinement. All I can do is own up to my mistakes, apologise and try to make it right with God’s help.
Over time I realised that the best place to run to in my hurt was into God’s open arms. I now tell Him everything and leave it with Him. Once God knows and I’ve offloaded, it’s done. But now an extra step that I’ve added is to pray for the person who hurt/upset me that God will work in them. But do you know what I’ve realised through doing this? When I’m praying for others, God actually works on me and convicts me of things. I can’t change others, but I can change how I react. I can change my thoughts towards them. I can have more understanding and if necessary, put some healthy distance between us.
All in all, no matter what we say, it should always be in love. We should always ask:
Is this kind?
Would this be damaging?
Is this something I want to hear coming back to myself and maybe out of context and with embellishments?
Whey do I feel the need to share this and why with this particular person or group of people?
Is this something that would hurt God and the one(s) He loves?
There’s a fine line between gossiping and venting and even then, I don’t believe that we should be venting to anyone else but God and that’s only if we’re going to vent at all (it’s something that I no longer want to do because I want to pray for people instead of about them). God is the safest place because not only will He listen and take those feelings away from you if you let Him, but He will also hold up the mirror to you and reveal what work needs to be done in your life and with your character.
Since those incidents of my past, I have been trying to work more on the relationships I have with those around me and mind my words more. There are some people I’ve lost as a result, but I believe that it’s for the best. God is still working in me and I do slip up sometimes, but I’m grateful that He doesn’t give up on me and is still helping me to become the woman He wants me to be.
For all who are prone to a bit of gossip and negative speaking about others, I want to share some things I’ve learned to help you stop:
1. Think before you speak and even then, think some more.
Now I don’t mean become an overthinker but ask, does this need to be said? Is it nice? Are you speaking to a real friend or someone who intentionally misunderstands you? Am I sharing facts or my feelings and is it being presented in a way that those can be discerned? Will the person I’m talking to correct me with love if needed?
2. What you’re pointing out/about to point out in someone else, can you see it in you?
Sometimes we forget to humble ourselves and look at our own lives before pointing out the faults of someone else. Sometimes someone else’s words/actions can trigger what we see/think about ourselves and that’s something we should reflect on so we don’t project onto others.
We are all on a journey and everyone’s journey is different. If it’s not something you can speak privately to that person about, take it to God first and allow Him to direct you in how to proceed.
3. Talk in private with that person.
Most times it seems easier to talk to everyone but the person who wronged you but the only thing that’s right is to go directly to that person in private (at a suitable time) to talk kindly about it. If they take it badly, get defensive or are in denial or even if they try to throw it back in your face, don’t take it to heart or personally. Take it to God. Reactions say a lot about character. Which do you want to possess and cultivate?
4. What void are you trying to fill with these types of conversations?
Gossiping uses your time unwisely. What in your life are you avoiding by gossiping? What do you not like about yourself that you feel the need to bring others down or what haven’t you forgiven yourself or someone else for which is letting the hurt inside you turn to bitterness?
There are so many more questions you can ask yourself, but I definitely believe self reflection has a big part to play in recovery of this as well as evaluating the people you hang around with the most (and not in an I’m better than you way).
You can be in a positive light of change in your friend group or even in your family. You can choose not to gossip, moan and murmur. You can choose to say the opposite of a negative and help those around you reframe their thoughts as well as (a last resort), keep a healthy distance from those who refuse to change this behaviour in themselves. It’s not being mean to have boundaries. You also don’t have to hang out or be associated with those who will keep you where they want to remain.
I’m really thankful that overtime I have actively changed the way I journal and downsized my collection (I will talk about this in another post). 60% of my thoughts find themselves in those pages which spares me from saying them out loud. There’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable and having an opinion, but as a Christian pursuing Christ, I know that my standards and values have to be different and I unfortunately haven’t always taken that fact seriously.
I’m honestly glad that I know my faults and that each day God is revealing more and more to me the closer I get to Him. This is just another reason I love Him because He truly wants me to reflect His character, like He does all His creation, and I want that too!
“For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief.” (Proverbs 24:16 KJV) Get back up again. Don’t stay on the ground. Run into Gods open arms. He is waiting to help us get and do better.
✨ Nadine