Becoming Her: Why I Can't Be Happy

The Qualms of The Continuous Pursuit of Reinvention

I’ve spent the past 2 days fighting with my brain trying to let myself know that it’s ok to rest and not be overly productive. I have been so unhappy and have been feeling like a failure even though I still get some things done each day.

Why can’t I allow myself to be happy unless I’m ticking off 100 tasks a day even if I’m doing at least 10?

It’s the second week of January and my third day of struggling with the concept of getting out of bed. Days prior to this every single day I was working out, drinking 2-3 litres of water, studying 2 courses full time, writing my 4th poetry book, editing the first draft of my novel, cooking healthy meals for my mother and I, reading multiple books, journaling, filming and editing 2-7 videos a day, tracking my habits, going for 2 hour walks in the countryside, going to bed earlier that I normally would (which is still pretty late) and waking up super early. I was so happy with the “new me”. But the problem was, this wasn’t really me and it was too much, too soon. And did I forget to mention, it was too much!?

Am I against having goals or an ideal life? Absolutely not. Am I against reinventing oneself and ridding of all ones bad habits? Not entirely.

Habits are formed not over a few hours, but over months and years of consistently doing that one thing over and over. How does it make sense then to think that one’s life can be overhauled from everything that was built in months, and completely transform in a matter of hours, just because you decided to and just because it’s January 1st?

Yes, we should be working towards improving ourselves, but it’s ok to take small steps consistently every single day. Overtime you will find that you will get to where you want to be a lot quicker and in a more sustainable way.

But this doesn’t ignore the fact that we shouldn’t be beating ourselves up for not being who we think we should be right now. It also doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t congratulate yourself for doing at least one thing right today. And this is why I think it’s hard for me personally to be happy.

I’ve had it in my mind that because I know all the “right” things I should be doing for myself, that it should be easy for me to make the right decisions, completely forgetting that just because something is better, doesn’t mean it’s naturally easy to do and do often.

This is where my confusion with the “becoming her” narrative comes in.

I’m sure you’ve seen it a lot everywhere online of how everyone is trying to reinvent themselves again, rebranding their lives and the obsession with “becoming her”….. whoever she is.

Who is this “her” that I should want to become? I’m guessing that it’s all the goodthings; all the right things that you know you should be doing or want to do, but somehow there’s a massive leap from who she is and who you are. That’s probably what makes her so ideal because it’s someone to work towards. But I’ve considered the fact that there’s probably this massive leap because we’ve made it to be so. We tend to ignore the fact that we need to be taking the small steps daily to reach those ideals, but some instead of doing the work, decide to stick a few images on their walls, say it over and over again out loud what they want in life and wait to be transformed. Then they will be happy. No, I mean then they can be happy.

SIDE NOTE: No, I don’t believe in manifestation but I’m not against vision boards if they are actually attainable goals that you have an intentional daily/weekly/monthly step by step plan in order to get there. They shouldn’t be larger than life goals or just pretty images from Pinterest that have no relation to who you want to become or what you actually will allow yourself to do to get there. I don’t think that’s actually helpful, it just simply makes it a pretty collage.

And that’s the problem in and of itself: the why behind doing something. If the answer is to be happy at the end of the rainbow then I have some very unfortunate news. Reaching a goal isn’t happiness in and of itself. Yes, you will be happy, but happiness is an emotion and emotions are fleeting. What happens after you’ve become who you set out to be? Does the goal change? Do you then revert back or do you choose to build on what you’ve started?

I became unhappy because I believed if I wasn’t myself any longer and became this fantasy version of myself then all my problems would be fixed, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I am still me underneath all of that. Underneath whoever she is.

Now I’m reevaluating my goals and working towards equilibrium with my thoughts. I am cutting them down into smaller chunks and actually asking myself if I want it for me or because it’s what I believe I should want. Gone are my attempts of trying to change everything in my life at once because some things are actually meant to remain, as hard as that sounds.

One small step forward each day is the way to go. Growth isn’t a final destination but a continuous journey and that’s called living. I’m going to do what I can to enjoy living because I’m the only one that can do that for me. I can only be me so I’m going to enjoy who I am and enjoy watching myself grow. I don’t want to become her, I just want to become a better, more accepting of myself, me.

Don’t be surprised or beat yourself up when you realise that you are still the same person you were yesterday. Growth takes time but if you’re intentional about it every day, that will make all the difference and very soon, you will be able to see it too.

✨ Nadine