The Loneliness I Feel After I Finish A Movie

Why I Quit The Romance Genre

I’m single and 90% of the time, that fact doesn’t even cross my mind. It doesn’t bother me whatsoever…. well, until I watch a movie or series that has a strong emphasis on romance and relationships.

I’ve found myself being sucked in to the parasocial relationships that one can develop by spending way too much time watching others live. I’ve found this to be the case for myself when it comes to celebrity culture, music artists and film stars. It doesn’t help that I’m the kind of person that goes all in when I like something. I like to know everything and keep up to date for no reason other than the fact that it’s my new obsession. I didn’t realise though that I was using this as an excuse to hide from some very important truths.

I got into K-pop last year and that opened the door for me to include J-pop into the mix. When the content wasn’t enough, I moved onto K-dramas and now C-dramas.

I’m a very biased person when it comes to movies I’ve found. I would rather watch the entire discography of an actor I like before delving into anything else.

As much as I enjoy a good series, the fact that it’s not 2 hours and that’s the story over like in movies is a bit too much at times. I’m committing myself to sitting for 20-40 hours or more (over a period of time - usually a bit shorter than I would like to admit) watching something that I may or may not even care about, purely for the fact that I want to know what happens at the end. Countless hours that should have been dedicated to sleep, reading, writing or basic chores have been lost to the “I’ll do it after this episode” and I’m not proud of it.

As well as being disturbed by some things that I’ve seen in these films, I’ve also found that I get strong feelings towards particular characters whether good or bad. I’m constantly correcting myself when I hear myself say that I hate a character because I don’t hate anyone, so I don’t want that to become a part of my vocabulary as well as my character.

Over time I’ve come to learn that when you go somewhere because of a person, it’s sometimes hard to separate their real self from the character they're portraying. I find myself getting lost in a particular persons world and feeling sorry for myself that I’m not the female lead or haven’t had those happy experiences that seem to come all so easily for them.

I get so caught up intertwining the world or what I’m watching with mine but as soon as the show or movie is finished, I’m met with the dark silence. My heart feels empty. My brain is full of the imagery I’ve just been indulging in for however long, as well as the now overwhelming hum of all the things I had been distracting myself from in the first instance, impatiently waiting to be dealt with. But the biggest thing I’m met with is this loneliness that seems to fill the entire room.

It’s the loneliness of realising that I’m me and not the character I’ve been getting to know.

It’s the loneliness that I am still single and not with the male lead.

It’s the loneliness that I don’t have that amazing friend group that I kid myself were really in my life because let’s be honest, if you use social media to watch your friends instead of actually calling them or meeting them in person, then any celebrity you watch can fall into that category whether it’s true or not.

But overall, it’s the loneliness that I’ve dedicated all this time and energy to people who aren’t even real and actors/artists that don’t even know or care that I exist and have visceral feelings for in some ways.

This is a hard pill to swallow in and of itself, but true none the less and I’m sure many could admit it if they were honest enough.

With celebrity culture, we have been taught to look up to others who’ve “got it all” and base our lives around them. Kpop stars are even called idols and their main job is to be ‘perfect’ and not cause any controversies. I believe they’re even meant to make themselves “available” for their fans and feed into the fantasy that anyone could have a chance to be in their lives. Whether that be the case of not, we choose to do it to ourselves anyway. We indulge a little too much. We research a little too much. We argue amongst the fandoms and “ship” people who are just trying to live their lives in peace and what do we gain? Nothing really. Nothing but that emptiness that we then fill with more of the above.

I’m writing this post for me to be honest. It’s a reminder of just how easy it is to fall back into these bad habits. For some people, a little every now and then, they can get away with but for me, I know that’s just not the case. As an all or nothing type of person, if I’ve chosen to go all in with liking a drama or band, then I need to go all in with distancing myself from their content in order to get my head space back.

I had to ban myself from romance but now, it’s all types of genres. Whenever they or whatever I’m engaging in becomes my main focus (and sucks away my time unhealthily) then I’m bound to have the same emptiness after.

If I’m truly honest with myself I could say that I’m ok with being single because I’ve found so many substitutes, as empty as they may be. I no longer want to be sad after a show because it’s not real. I no longer want to be jealous when I see one of my favourite artists talking to a pretty lady or achieving something that I’ve always dreamed. It’s not good to be so sucked in to someones world no matter what the case may be, especially if it’s someone you don’t know and only interact through watching the best they present of themselves on a screen. I want to enjoy my real life and actually see the beauty in it rather than compare it to something that only exists on screen.

The main worry that I need to tackle now that I’ve realised all this is that if I’m not living in a fake reality, then what are the challenges I have to face that I’ve been avoiding? I guess I will only know the answer when I allow myself the space to do so.

✨ Nadine